Part I: Are You Ready?

There’s an old story about two competitive brothers who feuded with each other their entire lives. One day, after a particularly bad argument, they decided the best way to settle their rivalry once and for all, was to see who could run a marathon the fastest.

Neither brother had ever run a marathon before, but the challenge seemed audacious enough that whoever won the race would at last earn the title as “better brother.” And so it was set, the race was in two months and both brothers began to prepare.

Younger Brother decided the very first thing he was going to do was interview every marathon winner over the last five years and ask them for all their tips and tricks. Older Brother went for a jog. Next, Younger Brother went to the library where he checked out and read every book he could find on competitive running strategy. Older Brother went for a jog. With just two weeks remaining before the race, Younger Brother went to the sporting goods store and bought all the best gear: cushy shoes, the lightest clothes, even those little high-calorie energy bars. Older Brother once again went for a jog.

When the big day finally arrived, both brothers approached the starting line.

“Nervous?” asked Younger Brother smugly, as he donned his shiny new gear.

“A little, yes,” said Older Brother honestly. “You look like a professional runner.”

Can you guess what happened next? Four-and-a-half hours later, Older Brother stumbled across the finish line exhausted, expecting to see Younger Brother waiting for him with a large gloating grin. Instead, Younger Brother was nowhere to be found. Could it be that Younger Brother finished so early that he got tired of waiting around and was already resting somewhere else? Older Brother checked the official race reports. Younger Brother - did not finish. More precisely, not only did Younger Brother not finish the race, but he only made it five miles before he pulled a hamstring and had to be helped off the course by some nice local spectators.

What’s the point of this story and what does it have to do with becoming a father? Over the last ten months, I’ve been asked the same question hundreds of times: “Are you ready to be a dad?”

In the moment, I’d always provide a polite and affirmative answer that I was “ready” for the big job, but also knowing deep down that I was behaving exactly like Younger Brother.

Is anyone ever truly prepared for something they’ve never done before?

NYT columnist, David Brooks describes this catch-22 beautifully in his essay on life’s big decisions, writing that the decision to become a parent is, “The Ultimate Vampire Problem”. Brooks elaborates,

Let’s say you had the chance to become a vampire. With one magical bite you would gain immortality, superhuman strength and a life of glamorous intensity. Your friends who have undergone the transformation say the experience is incredible. They drink animal blood, not human blood, and say everything about their new existence provides them with fun, companionship and meaning. Would you do it? Would you consent to receive the life-altering bite, even knowing that once changed you could never go back?

I relate to this metaphor because it perfectly captures how I felt leading up to and the one-directionality that is becoming a parent.

No matter how many books I read or experienced parents I spoke with, there was never really a good way to internalize how it actually felt being a dad until I became one. “Parents are like self-fulfilled vampires.” says Brooks, “Their rich new lives would have seemed incomprehensible to their old childless selves.”

My experience thus far is that this is one hundred percent true. Reading books or seeking advice (ironically like this article) is still important, but there are just some things in life where information is only half the battle.

Knowledge is seeing, wisdom is forged through the perspective of experience. Knowledge can be helpful, wisdom can be transformative.